I have to admit. I’m disappointed. I mean, his facebook profile says he’s single. Right, because facebook is such a good relayer of personal information. Heh, I know. I saw this coming. I knew something was up when he all of a sudden became unattainable. I mean, This usually happens, anyways right? I start to like people who I know I’ll never be able to get to. Which makes me wonder. If we know our flaws ahead of time, why is it so difficult for us to break these habits and move forward with our lives?
Vere called me with some “disappointing news.” Apparantly he’s been committed for six months according to a very close source of his. So these past couple of days (after my novel of an entry) I’ve been trying to collect myself into a whole person again. It hasn’t been easy. Needless to say, I have yet to complete myself. Yes. Completing myself. It’s been brought up time and time again: in movies, books, and real life advice—I should love myself before love will come find me. But who are these people who absolutely fall head over heels with their reflections?
I want to meet these people and teach me their ways. It sounds so easy, yet so difficult to do. Perhaps this difficulty lies in the fact that my self esteem has been at an all time low. Particularly now. I’m extra sensitive about my appearances (oh vanity) and I guess with what I have to offer. I mean, no matter how much my friends tell me I’m worth it and how incredible I am, I can’t help but wonder if it’s really true. I mean, that’s kind of a packaged deal with friendships: they’re suppose to say those things. I mean, friends are an extension of oneself and your support system. But sometimes. Sometimes I just need more.
I was hanging out with Albert the other day and I really wasn’t in the mood to see anyone. But I surmised that it would be best to seek out this friend. I hadn’t talked to him in ages. As we were eating ramen and browsing yet another Mitsuwa, it dawned on me. How great my friends are. I mean, I don't’ see Albs often, but everytime I hang out with him, I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from me. It’s not that I’m not me at SD, but something about hanging out with my LA friends just allows me to be me. Albert lets me be who I am without judgement (not the bad kind anyways :P ) and, at least I believe, finds my craziness endearing? Fun? Crazy? Whatever he thinks, he makes me feel like I belong and that I’m accepted.
This sucks to say, but I don’t think I’ve felt like that in quite sometime. Always wondering and worrying what people think about me. Then again, I am going to a professional school with career minded people. During all this, all the students are all so conscious of our insecurities and what we’re unhappy with ourselves and try to cover it up as best as we can. Either through fashionable clothes, an affected persona, or even through laughter, I can tell we’re all hiding something from each other. But most of all, we’re trying to hide from ourselves.
I can spew all the “it’s the flaws that we love in our friends” speech, but until we’re able to see that for ourselves or even keep that in mind as we look in the mirror, we won’t be able to move on with our lives. Until that moment, we’re always stuck, and reliving our habits and relearning our mistakes. Until I find the self-confidence and self esteem to believe that I’m good enough, I’ll always be stuck in the rut that I’m in right now. And it’s true, I haven’t been trying all that hard to get out. I don’t have a good incentive. I guess my well-being isn’t a good enough incentive. I know I should try harder, but for once, I’d just like to stay down here for a while and just let go. I want to cover myself in darkness before I see that pinhole light beam. I think that’ll make that light at the end that much brighter. Then again, I could be deluding myself.
To be frank, it’s just so easy to stay down. It’s so easy to continue our habits and never change. I mean, what’s the alternative? Break a sweat and possibly achieve happiness? Again, I know it’s easier said than done, but seriously. Since when have we really wanted to change something about ourselves to go out and change it. We usually need a catalyst, a grave incentive for us to actually do something about it. I already know that if I’m not more pro-active, then I’ll end up alone, forever? That’s a bit extreme, but that’s probably why, even though we know our flaws ahead of time, that we’ll never change. Unless there’s something to force us, as humans and people, to change, we never will. As much as I want to be all gung-ho about changing myself right now, I’m much more content wallowing in the crap that I’ve created for myself. It’s much easier, thank you very much. Until I can muster the strength to continue the good fight (usually against myself) I’ll be in this low self-esteem crapola for some time.
But you know what? I’m okay with that. I don’t plan on being down here too long. But if I decide to put up camp, friends, please force me out. We all need all the help that we need, and who else better to do it than our friends.
Comments (1)
i love when you update! i miss you scott!!!
and the shoutout to albs, awwwww